Thanks all of you who sent feedback via the comments section or through email on my last post. I think a lot of people out there feel the same way I do at times. And that was one of my goals in starting the blog was to not feel so lonely myself and to help others not feel alone as they struggle with the difficulties of being a working mom, stay-at-home mom (which is a working mom as well) or just a regular person in a relationship.
I also want you all to know that I do love my husband. He is a wonderful father and is really very sweet to me. We have been through a lot together and he is not perfect, but neither am I. We're just doing the best we can to make life for our daughter work. That I know we agree on 100%. I never want to in any way make him out to be a monster, because he is not. He just gets on my nerves sometimes as I know I get on his.
My Mom gave me her feedback on my last post verbally. She said, "Val, men are from Mars, women are from Venus. That's it." I have never read the book, but I get the basic concept that men and women think and function differently and that's why we get so frustrated with each other sometimes. Remember, that is also what attracts us too...
Then she informed me that John Gray, the man that wrote said book, has written a few others and his most recent one talks about how the different hormone levels that women and men have at different times of the day, in their life, etc affect how we interact with each other. Check out this link if interested: Venus on Fire, Mars on Ice: Hormonal Balance - The Key to Life, Love, and Energy
Anyway, I'll mention this just because it's kind of funny...My Mom describes a part of this new book she must have read or, more likely, heard someone talk about. She says that in the book the author explains that when a man's hormone levels get low he needs to just sit there until the levels rise back up to a certain point and then he is able to get up and do something again, thus the staring at the pre-recorded golf behavior.
While she was telling me this I was thinking, "Ah, my mother is crazy and mis-quoting something or interpreting it so it makes no sense whatsoever, blah, blah," BUT, it actually kind-of made sense??
I'm thinking of getting the book and seeing what it has to say. If any of you get to it before me, let me know what you think.
It strangely made me feel better that there was some sort of explanation for this weird sitting and staring behavior that I have never understood in our almost 8 years of marriage. Even if it is unfounded, it makes me feel joyful, well maybe not joyful, but comforted now when I see my husband sitting there watching River Monsters, when he could be doing a million other more useful things, that he can't help it. Maybe? At least it helps me bite my tongue and move on.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Friday, April 8, 2011
Read My Mind, Please!!!
Do you ever want your husband/significant other to read your mind? Why can't they? Why can't I read his? Sometimes I would really like to know what is really happening in there as he stares at people playing golf all day. How can that possibly be exciting? I understand football, basketball, and sometimes baseball, but GOLF?? Only on a Sunday when Tiger and Phil are tied. But on a Thursday afternoon...snore.
But yet, this is what is a priority over helping a wife that had an equally stressful day as him get a sick child to bed.
And it's not like I don't ask for help. I fully admit that I'm very, very bad at asking for help, but tonight I actually did. I said directly to his face, "I am going to need help getting her in a bath, setting up the vaporizer and getting her to bed." So that is what I expected he would do since he agreed to it. And also because he knew I had rushed home from work to get my child to the last appointment of the day with "Dr. Jay", who I'll save for another post, picking up eye drops at the busiest Walgreens in the country, I swear, and wrestling her in and out of the car with end of the day neck and back pain,
I thought this was pretty straightforward, was it not?
Well, apparently, I needed to write a step by step instruction sheet on what exactly I needed him to do because what he interpreted this as was, "Hmm, I think I'll sit down and turn on The Masters and watch pre-recorded play."
WHAT???
So, Abby has partially eaten, but I give her some fruit and milk and let her have some of the remains of a soggy frozen pizza I decide to choke down for my dinner while reading to her on the floor. This is not like me. I like my daughter to eat in her high chair at a table with Mom and Dad. She eats better and usually exclaims, "Happy Family!" when we all sit down together. I love it. But tonight, I'm way too tired, in pain, and irritated.
Nic actually does say, "Okay, Abby it's time for keester time," (their secret code for bathtime), but he says this while blindly staring at the screen paying no attention to the fact that she still needs to eat more, is interested in eating more and is not yet ready for "keester time." He tends to rush her into doing things when he's ready to do them so he can get his needs met rather than waiting for when she's ready and feels comfortable...this bothers me a bit too.
I'm too tired to say anything and he doesn't move from his nest on the couch, so Abby and I continue to eat and read until I say, when she is ready, "Abby, now it's time for bathtime." He does come and help me get her into the bathtub, which is difficult for me, and he does set up the vaporizer for me, which is great. He can be very helpful if he feels motivated to be.
But then, I have the audacity to ask him to do one other thing, cover up her sandbox outside so the dogs don't poop in it. Was that an outrageous request?? I mean, I really am wondering that. Should I not have asked him to do that?
The first thing out of his mouth when I asked him to do that was, "NO. Your Mom should have covered it back up herself." Then he starts to exclaim how he needs to take a shower, he needs to get to bed, blah, blah, blah and just acting like there is just no time for this and how dare I ask. Such a change from earlier in the evening shen he was all about getting me to bed early because I looked tired, in pain and had had a long week. Where did that husband go?
So in the huff of a seventh-grade girl he stomps down the stairs and goes outside to cover the sandbox up. Fine. Then he takes his shower, tells me he has no idea what I want from him and that I need to go to bed. Then he goes to bed.
I am obviously up venting to you all and not going to bed. This is my joy for today. At least I can write about this and see what others think...please comment if you read this with your honest opinions.
What was that all about? Why the temper tantrum at one extra request, which by the way, I asked him to do very nicely? Why did he all of a sudden not care that I eat a decent meal and get to bed once he saw the glow of The Masters on TV? Why do Abby and I disappear to him when something he wants to do comes along?
When he said he had no idea what I wanted from him I said, "Well, Nic, it would have been nice since you had earlier expressed that you wanted me to eat and go straight to bed, that you say, 'Val, I'll take care of getting Abby fed, bathed and to bed. You take care of yourself and go to bed.' "
He had no answer to that, by the way. This is when he went to bed.
Again, I was being straightforward. I wasn't expecting him to read my mind because that isn't fair, I realize that. So I was completely honest with him. "Nic, I wanted you to take over and you didn't. It was disappointing to me."
He didn't want to hear that, so he went to bed.
Grrrrr.
Thanks for listening. This post wasn't very joyful, but please, if you can, tell me what I did wrong. I want our marriage to be joyful, but there seems to be this weird disconnect sometimes. I am really trying to be completely honest with him and I think I was in this situation, but tell me if I wasn't.
I know all of you out there are harried and busy and tired like me, and working on a relationship seems to be one of the biggest sources of unjoyfulness and puzzlement. It also seems to end up at the bottom of the totem pole when I think it needs to be more towards the top. How do we get it there?
Please share any ideas or thoughts you have...if you have a minute
Breathe and find something beautiful today, even if I can't...wait! I saw buds on the lilac bush outside my kitchen window. That was joyful. At least I leave you with a happy thought, no matter how unrelated to the subject of the post...the smell of lilacs is coming soon.
But yet, this is what is a priority over helping a wife that had an equally stressful day as him get a sick child to bed.
And it's not like I don't ask for help. I fully admit that I'm very, very bad at asking for help, but tonight I actually did. I said directly to his face, "I am going to need help getting her in a bath, setting up the vaporizer and getting her to bed." So that is what I expected he would do since he agreed to it. And also because he knew I had rushed home from work to get my child to the last appointment of the day with "Dr. Jay", who I'll save for another post, picking up eye drops at the busiest Walgreens in the country, I swear, and wrestling her in and out of the car with end of the day neck and back pain,
I thought this was pretty straightforward, was it not?
Well, apparently, I needed to write a step by step instruction sheet on what exactly I needed him to do because what he interpreted this as was, "Hmm, I think I'll sit down and turn on The Masters and watch pre-recorded play."
WHAT???
So, Abby has partially eaten, but I give her some fruit and milk and let her have some of the remains of a soggy frozen pizza I decide to choke down for my dinner while reading to her on the floor. This is not like me. I like my daughter to eat in her high chair at a table with Mom and Dad. She eats better and usually exclaims, "Happy Family!" when we all sit down together. I love it. But tonight, I'm way too tired, in pain, and irritated.
Nic actually does say, "Okay, Abby it's time for keester time," (their secret code for bathtime), but he says this while blindly staring at the screen paying no attention to the fact that she still needs to eat more, is interested in eating more and is not yet ready for "keester time." He tends to rush her into doing things when he's ready to do them so he can get his needs met rather than waiting for when she's ready and feels comfortable...this bothers me a bit too.
I'm too tired to say anything and he doesn't move from his nest on the couch, so Abby and I continue to eat and read until I say, when she is ready, "Abby, now it's time for bathtime." He does come and help me get her into the bathtub, which is difficult for me, and he does set up the vaporizer for me, which is great. He can be very helpful if he feels motivated to be.
But then, I have the audacity to ask him to do one other thing, cover up her sandbox outside so the dogs don't poop in it. Was that an outrageous request?? I mean, I really am wondering that. Should I not have asked him to do that?
The first thing out of his mouth when I asked him to do that was, "NO. Your Mom should have covered it back up herself." Then he starts to exclaim how he needs to take a shower, he needs to get to bed, blah, blah, blah and just acting like there is just no time for this and how dare I ask. Such a change from earlier in the evening shen he was all about getting me to bed early because I looked tired, in pain and had had a long week. Where did that husband go?
So in the huff of a seventh-grade girl he stomps down the stairs and goes outside to cover the sandbox up. Fine. Then he takes his shower, tells me he has no idea what I want from him and that I need to go to bed. Then he goes to bed.
I am obviously up venting to you all and not going to bed. This is my joy for today. At least I can write about this and see what others think...please comment if you read this with your honest opinions.
What was that all about? Why the temper tantrum at one extra request, which by the way, I asked him to do very nicely? Why did he all of a sudden not care that I eat a decent meal and get to bed once he saw the glow of The Masters on TV? Why do Abby and I disappear to him when something he wants to do comes along?
When he said he had no idea what I wanted from him I said, "Well, Nic, it would have been nice since you had earlier expressed that you wanted me to eat and go straight to bed, that you say, 'Val, I'll take care of getting Abby fed, bathed and to bed. You take care of yourself and go to bed.' "
He had no answer to that, by the way. This is when he went to bed.
Again, I was being straightforward. I wasn't expecting him to read my mind because that isn't fair, I realize that. So I was completely honest with him. "Nic, I wanted you to take over and you didn't. It was disappointing to me."
He didn't want to hear that, so he went to bed.
Grrrrr.
Thanks for listening. This post wasn't very joyful, but please, if you can, tell me what I did wrong. I want our marriage to be joyful, but there seems to be this weird disconnect sometimes. I am really trying to be completely honest with him and I think I was in this situation, but tell me if I wasn't.
I know all of you out there are harried and busy and tired like me, and working on a relationship seems to be one of the biggest sources of unjoyfulness and puzzlement. It also seems to end up at the bottom of the totem pole when I think it needs to be more towards the top. How do we get it there?
Please share any ideas or thoughts you have...if you have a minute
Breathe and find something beautiful today, even if I can't...wait! I saw buds on the lilac bush outside my kitchen window. That was joyful. At least I leave you with a happy thought, no matter how unrelated to the subject of the post...the smell of lilacs is coming soon.
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