I haven't posted in a while and that has definitely been going against my efforts to live a more joyful life. But the truth is my life has not been all that joyful lately, thus, I have not felt like writing. But, I do find that if you just keep putting one foot in front of the other and persevering and being courageous (or at least faking it) that things do pass and better times do come.
Work has been a huge point of stress for the past couple of weeks as our big new software system "went live". How thrilling! It has kind of been one disaster after the other and staying late to figure out how to put out fires and dealing with a lot of frantic, angry people. Not much fun.
So, I think because of this stress I came down with a sinus infection. I don't know how one "comes down" with a sinus infection, I always thought you had some sort of cold and it progresses into a sinus infection, but I just seemed to wake up with one. Who knows, but I go to the doctor and he looks in an ear, down my throat and in my nose and says, "Sinus infection." Prescribes anitbiotics and I think, "Well, that was quick. Good, now I can get back to my stressful life." So, that's what I do. I was especially happy he gave me the 5 day antibiotic that gets rid of whatever really fast.
Then, the same little monitor that lives in my body and tells me when I'm on overload that I haven't been listening to decides to slap me around again. A couple days later I am at the hairdresser and she says, "Say, did you know you have this red patch on your neck? Have you been scratching yourself or something?"
Voice inside my head: "Scratching myself? Gross."
Voice coming out of my mouth: "No."
So, we carry on with typical salon talk and she stops and says, "Uh, did you know this red splotchiness is on your scalp?"
Voice inside my head: Loud Screaming. "What if it spreads to my face??????"
Voice coming out of my mouth: "No."
She continues in skeptical, cautious, get me away from this leper tone, "It seems to be spreading around your neck too. It looks like it hurts. Is it itchy?"
Voice inside my head: Loud Screaming.
Voice outside my head: "No, it doesn't itch."
She finishes quickly and tells me to buy some Benadryl on the way home. She was very nice, I give her a lot of credit, she probably wanted to throw her scissors and run, but she finished and was even kind of helpful. I was so frazzled I never would have bought Benadryl.
I did go to the pharmacy and gave the pharmacist a list of the pills I had taken in the past two days and leaning over the counter desperately asked him, "Which one is giving me THIS?"
He also gives me the cautious, get me away from this leper tone and tells me to stop the antibiotics and go to the emergency room if I can't breathe.
So, I am laying on the couch that night staring at the TV completely covered so my gross rash doesn't touch anything and waiting to stop breathing. The rash has now spread from neck to scalp to chest and back, lovely. Seinfeld comes on and as the episode keeps unfolding I realize, to my horror, that my recent life has been a bit like George Costanza's. Nobody wants to be like George Costanza. It's fun to laugh at George Costanza, but he really is an awful, miserable person.
It's the episode where he thinks he's having a heart attack and instead finds out he has to have his tonsils removed. So, to save money he goes to this crazy wholistic healer guy and ends up drinking tea that makes him purple. That was my low point, laying on the couch covered in my purplish rash feeling like the purple George Costanza. He's screaming at the top of his lungs like I wanted to in the hair salon and I can identify with George. How depressing.
In the end, I think that my body is just not going to be gentle with me anymore. I didn't listen after I had the accident. I slowed down for a little while, but not long enough to heal. I've had four sinus infections now this winter, so I think maybe my body is telling me something there too and I haven't listened. So, after my low "purple George" moment I decided that a rash is a pretty visible, tangible sign. I've got to change something in my life. I can't ignore that there is no room for joy right now in my life. Something has to give.
So, I have been applying for new jobs around the Beaver Dam area. It's a little discouraging because frankly, there isn't much around here, but I know I will find something. Then, that will give me 2 and a half more hours with my daughter or my husband or for myself each day. Maybe I could heal from this accident. Maybe I could knit again, maybe I could exercise again, maybe my husband and I would talk again. Maybe I won't have to work at night or on weekends anymore.
I try to stay hopeful and feel better now that I have made the decision to not ignore the signs anymore. Even if it takes awhile to find a job, I do find myself taking the one I have less seriously. I'm not as rabid about work anymore because I'm frankly kind of angry with it. It has made my life rather miserable. I like the work I do and the people I work with are great, but it isn't a realistic situation anymore and I have to stop pretending it is.
It's rather freeing to say, even if just to yourself, "You know what, this just doesn't work for me."
At least it has put me back on the road to being joyful. I think.
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